Ride The Wild Horse

Passionately Writing

Month: July, 2014

Musical Marker: “(Still A) Weirdo” by KT Tunstall

My musical marker is “(Still A) Weirdo” by KT Tunstall.
 
It’s not often that we get to laugh at ourselves.  I have laughed really hard lately.  I am the happiest I’ve ever been.  The only difference now I can say it boldly and proudly that I love who I am.  The views and opinions of others now roll off my back.  Without apology I accept who have always been.

 

 

 

“(Still A) Weirdo”

No I know I took for granted that things
Would always go the way I wanted oh
I was going to be a treetop
A sea, a boat, a rock of agesI don’t always get it right
I’d see it in a different kind of lightPay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these yearsI’d always thought it’s automatic
to grow into a soul less static
But here I am upon the same spot
Attempting to lift off into space

I don’t always get it right
But a thousand different ways
And I just might

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

Pay my lip service
Keep it eloquent
Optimistic but
Never quite elegant
Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

Still a weirdo
Still a weirdo, after all these years

After all these years

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Thank you God for Bees and Efs

Bffs

Bffs

It is hard to accept any definition of a best friend.  What exactly does this phrase mean? Someone who makes you feel better even when they point out the bitter truth about your personality?  An animal that hangs around you even when you are miserable and grouchy?  A person that knows just what you are thinking because they’re actually thinking the same way? For me my best friends has never been exactly as the movies, photos and magazines portray them to be.  My best friends have always come as a surprise to me. 

Indifference and solitude is prominent in my family.  My parents had a great many friends, but they never really indulged in endless socializing.  They preferred to keep a safe distance.  There was always an invisible line.  So I somehow follow that trend. In short, I have never initiated my friendships, they are always divinely orchestrated.

A good friend is a connection to life — a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. ~Lois Wyse

Each friendship matters to me.  No one friend brings the same pie to the table.  The flavor, taste and presentation is always original.  I really am relieved when I get to be someone else with each friend. I don’t like being boxed into the confines of someone else’s perception of me. So I believe that numerous friendships are liberating. 

There is always that special person that grabs a hold of you.  In high school I was extremely shy. I never really spoke.  In the words of a friendly classmate, “You squeak.”  So he promptly called me “mouse” and smiled with such loving tenderness. I knew I had made a great friend.  I suddenly found myself with this lifelong identity. That was and is the real me.  My best friends evoke the best from me and quite possibly the worse too.

I will share how my cats have always inspired me.  They see the me that comes home after a long day.  They hear the noises I make and still want to be in my company.  I am really quite strange. Of course they are loyal when they get their meals on time.  Yet my cats just always make time for me. They want to  be in my company.  These memories have taught me a great deal about being a best friend.  

Photo Challenge: Endless Love

Containers

Containers

Approximately 2 years and 3 months ago my daughter received her first dog.  Khloe was her given name but my Oliva gave her the name Zoe Zoe.  She was affectionately called “Zoey”.  Zoe Zoe was her dream dog except she was a three legged rescue.

Today my daughter stayed in the jeep whilst I took her dog to be euthanized. After leaving Zoe Zoe at the Humane Society I realized that what we did was out of love.  As I returned from the task Olivia looked into my eyes to see if I was alright.  In her eyes I saw a sweet relief.  It’s all surreal to me.

As I fight a long hard battle to get my life on track, I suddenly realize that Zoe Zoe’s life had derailed before we met her and that we were only a brief remission from suffering in her life journey.  Zoey gave us everything she had and when it weaned we returned her love with vehemence.  She liked that.

Just this past week our love couldn’t erase the fact that Zoey wasn’t going to be a normal dog.  It couldn’t stop her suffering.  Our love couldn’t change what was happening to us.

Last night, Zoey whaled for me to let her into the living room where she loved to wait for me.  I let her in knowing that would be our last retreat together.  Yet I couldn’t feel bad as I heeded my mother’s words, “That dog is suffering…..”  I knew that I had to become less selfish.

Olivia was ready to part with her first dog simply because we did all that could have done to help her.  She just needed to know that I was ready too.  The deed is done.

It will be a while before I get Olivia another dog.  Some say “You should have gotten her a healthy dog.”  I say all dogs give love.

The Hunch back of Notre Dame’s sister

 

Map of Dominican Republic

In high school I was Quasimodo’s sister.  My posture left a lot to be desired.  My head down and my eyes averted always downward.  I was however oblivious to it all until I noticed the behavior of my peers.  Fellow students and relatives were fully cognizant of my blatant defect.

I got up each day with a great attitude or at least I thought I did.  I could not see this flaw.  It’s like speaking without flossing or brushing after a hearty meal.  Some food is left in your teeth for all to see, but unless someone points it out to you or you feel the lodged food accidentally with the tongue it will of course remain between your teeth simply because you are unaware that it exists, Oh how extremely embarrassing especially when you remember that you talked more than everyone else.

No one ever hated me enough to say anything mean to my face, yet no one loved me enough to suggest that I do something about it.  It was a time when we all were trying to deal with puberty and self awareness.  My family sure sucked.  If only my mother or father didn’t just accept me the way I was.  However, I am grateful that they loved me in spite of my cowering appearance.

It would be great to erase that time.  However it happened and nothing will change that memory.  I’ve met many people just like me.  They seemed to be normal or acceptable.  We were just   going forward and in like company.  Unfortunately, we all had something underlying in our past or present that prompted us to bend forward and look down at the ground.

Today, I find myself extremely conscious of my appearance.  However, it’s after many years of just accepting myself to be just unlucky. Since then, I’ve deeply questioned why my posture was such an impediment for me. I found many good answers because it carried over to my temperament and attitude about my life.  Hopefully I can share them all in future blogs.  There is always a good time and place.

 

Daily Prompt: Can’t Stand Me

See no evil.

See no evil.

See no evil. Nothing is as it seems.  Appearance means a great deal and experience tells me why.  My voice has always deceived everyone as it is bearable and friendly.

If only my voice and appearance would go hand in hand.  A charming, soothing and disarming soundtrack accompanied by a standoffish and unconcerned cover.

If I were an actor then I would need countless takes to match my voice and appearance.  The visual is quite difficult for me.  The audio has been mastered.

Recently I’ve noticed that I never really allowed myself to breath and relax comfortably.  At each weekly exercise that I manage to make, I manage to reconnect with myself.  It is the only time that I truly see what others see, because they feel obligated to tell me.  Otherwise my opinion is self-deflated.

I prefer to hide.  If the attention were somehow sent my way, I’d find a way to deflect it.  I love anonymity.  A video would seal who I am.  It would only highlight what I need to change.

Until I fully connect with myself and rediscover my purpose in this world, I’d much rather not see myself.  The journey is slow but I am determined to attempt it by firstly identifying why I am the way that I am.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moods

Out of control.  My mind.  Yeah that’s it.  A big open space like a body of water.  Roomy and spacious.  Unencumbered or uninhibited by anything.  Unlike a time before today. I am at play.  Playing hard.  Not like before.  It’s very different.  There was no room to play or to deviate. Everything cramped its space. […]

Empowered by default

“A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.

Jean de La Fontaine
 
 

Let’s see. Honestly, I have been lost most of my life. At the end of each wrong turn invaluable lessons manifested. Simply put, I rambled through my life until I reached the age of thirty. Then at age 30 I asked better questions and truly did not settle for easy answers. But that’s a long story, so let me remember a time before I asked better questions.
Many treasured experiences came by way of my family vacation trips. In my early twenties we took annual trips to Florida to shop, relax, shop, explore, shop and visit new tourist attractions. It was on those shopping trips that the designated driver was put to the test. That’s me.
Hardly conscious of my inexperience, the immeasurable delight of getting behind the wheel just gave me wings to fly and be free. Simply put this made me really happy. My confidence was impenetrable.
Rental cars smelled clean and felt spanking new. Fuel was more than a tank full of gas but a purse filled with shopping money. It is an unnatural and addictive high for me.
Everybody, cousins, aunts, mother and siblings counted on me for a safe deliverance to their endless list of places to visit. They were merciless.
However, I was always in a world of my own. I could care less for the lists, traffic, misplaced confidences or hidden agendas. The road always befriended me.
Maps would be in my lap and the passenger’s hands. It was quite easy to explain where I was going, but the difficulty came when we ended up in the middle of nowhere. Voices would boom out loud and scream, “You should have listened to me,” quite irritatingly.
Well along the way of each wrong turn we passed places we would have never seen. Sites unthinkable, attractions not listed on our maps and more importantly bigger stores and malls that carried better bargains and quality items. Each passenger, including me, would scream out loudly, “Look where…is,” or “we would never have found this if we didn’t get lost.”
I love my family but, those days are gone forever! Now I’d much rather let them drive themselves. However, I can never forget those wings to fly and be free.

 

 

 

Wrong Turns

When was the last time you got lost? Was it an enjoyable experience, or a stressful one? Tell us all about it.